I am excited to announce that I have made the short list for Donald Trump’s running mate. This all came to fruition during one of our secret society gatherings where Donald issued a call to action for all of his loyal followers. The request was simple, write an essay on how to make America great again. You will find my winning essay below which I proudly call “Ameridome.”
Imagine a country that is impenetrable to our enemies. In fact, not just our enemies, but any unwanted guests. Whether they believe in different gods, speak in different languages, or simply have an undesirable skin color. Such a majestic place has never existed, but it could. Thanks to breakthroughs in technology, the ability to construct an electro magnetic dome over the continental US is now within our grasp. For a mere 3 quintillion dollars (that’s a 3 with only 18 zeros) we can completely encapsulate our entire country in the warm blanket of a beautiful, protective shield. Not only will this keep people out, but it will also serve to keep greenhouse gases in which could make the northern most point of Minnesota feel like Miami all year round.
Now I know there will be lots of questions about how this will work, but the answers to most of these questions are surprisingly simple… No. For example, while this dome protects America from foreign invaders, can Americans leave the country for vacation? No. What about business travel? No. Can we trade with other countries? No. At least access the beaches and our coastal waters? No. But these are small prices to pay for a free country that has no threat of foreigners. We must focus on the benefits. By not letting anyone new in, we can ensure that our reproduction will be pure, using only the seeds and eggs of red blooded Americans. In just a few generations, we can have a society that has the same language, same accent, same ideas, same fashion… hell, we might even get to one skin color with all that inbreeding. ‘Cause in order to make America great again, we have to make Americans great again.
Many of you will be asking how we can pay for this absolutely stunning (albeit invisible) dome. Can Mexico really fund the entire thing? Of course not. A project of this scale requires sophisticated planning and out of the box thinking. We’ll need great leaders, great materials, great workers, and of course great big money printing presses. But that’s just the start. Once we get our plans in place, the real funding process begins. First of all, we aren’t simply going to deport our illegal immigrants. That would be insane. These are solid laborers. We are going to sell them back to Mexico for $10,000 per head. If Mexico can’t afford these fine laborers after paying for their share of the dome, we will simply put them up for bid. Syria will need to rebuild their country soon, so there’s plenty of pent up demand. The next thing we’ll do is default on all of our foreign debt, which frees up trillions of dollars. It won’t matter anyway since we’ll be in a hermetically sealed bubble, and since we’re in a bubble, we’ll also sell all of our nuclear weapons, if other countries want to fight it out, let them. Most of the victims are probably would-be refugees anyways. Finally, anyone on public assistance including single moms, the disabled, veterans… anyone who wants a government benefit can work for it by helping build our dome.
Once the dome is in place, we can truly focus on making America great. Literally, there will be no country like it on Earth, and even if there was, we wouldn’t know about it due to our self imposed isolation. This is the vision our founding fathers had from the beginning. Complete and total independence. No need for foreign oil. Well, technically, no way to get foreign oil. No H1B visas. No manufacturing in China. Everything will be America made with American materials. Sure, we won’t have lithium for battery production, but we have to keep our phones plugged in most of the time anyways. We will drill everywhere, frack everywhere. Hell, we’ll have so much energy we’ll be practically radiating it, or actually radiating it.
All of this can be yours with our new Ameridome. By simply voting for Trump, and me, John Miller as his running mate, you can have everything I have described above. It’s true. Don’t look for evidence or facts that may contradict this. Those are just things people who don’t believe in greatness say. Listen to my words, because my words are what you, as red blooded Americans who will vote for anyone with a GOP label, want to hear.
According to my people, my essay put me just ahead of Sarah Palin and Kanye West. If can edge out Vladimir Putin, I’m in.