Let’s face it. Either Trump or Cruz are going to win the GOP nomination. In preparation for a possible general election victory for one of these two, I have compiled some mitigation plans for those who might be adversely impacted by this outcome. While this list is not all encompassing, it should provide you with some basic guidelines for how to survive in this new America. If that sounds overly dramatic, I encourage you to read on.
For starters, the similarities between the positions of these candidates and our arch nemesis, ISIS, are uncanny:
- Believe our nation is founded on a single religion (albeit different religions), but feel strongly that those religious views are more important than “secular” laws.
- Women don’t own their reproductive rights, those should be determined by an elected group… which in America is over 80% male.
- Everyone should have a gun, ideally more than one, and the bigger the better.
- Women cannot fight in combat, ‘cause they’re women… frail, emotional, and distracting to men who have needs.
- Torture of your enemy is completely acceptable; I don’t care what that Geneva Convention says.
- Actually, we’re going to double down on that. It is also ok to kill the families of your enemies, ‘cause once you ignore one line in the Geneva Convention, what good is the rest of that crazy document.
Some of you might be thinking that I’m being a bit extreme. Sure Trump has said some crazy things, but those comparisons can’t be true for Cruz? Except they are, and in many cases more so. Therefore, it is important that we plan accordingly, so I have organized my plans by demographics, as each will need to deal with this new regime with different tactics. Many of you will belong to more than one group, and will likely need to deploy a myriad of strategies. So let’s get started.
Non-Christians (regardless of gender)
This is no longer really your country. It was founded on Christian principles, and as such you can conform or leave. The good news is that it is extremely easy to fake being a Christian. Pretty much anything you do wrong can be absolved by asking for forgiveness from Jesus, and you get the right the discriminate against almost anyone due to your “deeply held belief.” The really good news here is that the bible is written in such a way, that you can pretty much cherry pick any line, tailor it to your need, and “sincerely believe it.” So this one is technically a benefit for all, providing you play by the rules.
This one is a bit tougher. The guidelines above don’t apply at all since identifying as another gender in this new world will likely become a crime. Therefore your choices are fairly straightforward. If you’re wealthy, any new laws won’t impact you as you can simply travel to a first world country to accommodate your needs. If you’re not wealthy, you have two choices. Succumb to your new status as a person whose rights will systemically disappear at the will of a few hundred elected men. If this doesn’t suit you, then you can do what Mexicans have done for decades. Walk dozens of miles over rough terrain, with minimal water and try to make it to a more civilized nation. I wish there a better way, but both of our GOP candidates strongly believe that birth is very important in determining your destiny, and you were born with the wrong gender.
Elderly and / or Disabled
Your first order of business is training. You will need a skill, as this country is not for freeloaders. Sure, you may have worked for 40 plus years or even been injured gallantly serving our country, but we cannot support you if you’re not contributing. No free passes. Period. Once you learn your skill, you can apply for any number of jobs, where your hourly rate will be determined by the market. American corporations cannot compete on a global scale with preset minimum wages. So save your sob story about being in a wheelchair, with Parkinsons, and any of your glory days stories from taking the beach at Normandy for someone who cares. Pick up a shovel and dig. A days work for a days pay damn it, cause this is Murica!
If you’re here illegally, you’re done. Leave your kids at the border, and go home. Nevermind the impact it will have on the businesses that have illegally hired 6 million or more of you. That’s their fault. Go home. If you’re here legally, good news! You get to stay! However, we reserve the right to pull you over any time because your kinda brown and brown people look a lot like illegal immigrants… so… sorry, we’re gonna need to see your identification.
Good news and bad news. If you’re just kinda Muslim and don’t wear any of the traditional Muslim garb, you might get by. Just see the guidelines for legal Mexicans, and consider changing your last name to Jones or Smith. Something like Khan is likely to garner unwanted attention. If you’re here on a Visa or in the process of migrating legally, then the news is not so good. You are an enemy of the state, and have two choices. Go back to where you came from, or go to Gitmo. I really don’t care either way. As the old adage goes, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. Oh, and we’re going to need to claim your mosques under eminent domain. We’re down to just 300,000 churches, and we’re going to need to your buildings to erect giant crosses with a dead guy in a loin cloth. Totes not gay.
Gays and Lesbians
You’re pretty much fucked. I recommend pairing up with a gay member of the opposite gender, and agreeing to keep your actual relationship behind closed doors. In other words, think about it like masturbation. Everyone does it, but no one talks about it.
Anyone “Brownish” or Darker
Please see the rules for legal Mexicans. We can’t know who you really are until we see your identification. Without said documentation, you are probably a member of ISIS.
Anyone with a Phone, Computer, or Electronic Device
You need to stop sending dick pics immediately. In fact, destroy all of your devices right now and obtain new “air gapped” devices. If you don’t know what they are, look them up. Only use these devices for approved communications such anything to do with how much you love your country, or how much you hate Islam. Even something as mundane as a grocery list via text could be a problem. Want your wife to pick up some “Basmati” rice at the grocery store? Guess what? Muslims eat Basmati rice and the government is listening. You could be branded a terrorist or a sympathizer. If you’re not sure what is acceptable to communicate, I suggest reading a great book by George Orwell who covers this brilliantly in 1984. It should give you the key information you need to avoid any possible “thought violations.”
Last But Not Least – Anyone in the Bottom 95% Income Level
Contrary to what you might be hearing in the debates, you will be responsible for funding the country. Even though you only have 40% of the total wealth, you need to pay for 100% of our government needs. Why? Because the top 5% earned that 60% of the wealth, and you didn’t. If you don’t want to pay your share, work your way into the top 5%. What? College is too expensive? Shut the fuck up, and get another job, and possibly another one depending on market determined wages. We didn’t build this great country on the backs of people who complained. We did it the old fashioned way, by people who inherited it. If you’re not one of those, than you can be one of the 0.01% who break the barrier by achieving the American Dream without help.
I hope you find this guidance helpful as I find it is best to prepare. Our country has a rich history of merchandising our own extremism as Patriotism. We did a fine job in the forties with our Japanese internment camps, again in the fifties with communist blacklists, in the sixties we showed our strength of states rights as George Wallace stood strong ensuring no one darker than he entered a school. I am confident that neither of these two will let us down either. So raise your American flag in one hand, your bible in another, and help us make America again!